QUESTION: Why are portholes round?
ANSWER: So you can't get hit square in the face by a wave.
QUESTION: Why did the pirate go to see the movie?
ANSWER: It was rated AARRRR.
JOKE: A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can’t help but ask, “What’s with the steering wheel?” “ARRRRGGH,” the pirate answers, “it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
JOKE: A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "Oh, I can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "But where are your buccaneers?" The kid gets really mad, and says "On the sides of my buckin' head!"
JOKE: Pirate walks into a Psychiatrists office with a parrot on his head. Parrot says, "Can you get this guy off my ass?"
JOKE: Three pirates die and go to heaven. They make it through the Pearly Gates and St. Peter tells them they are welcome to do anything they wish. There is only one thing...
Recently a flock of ducks arrrived and are everywhere. They are causing almost no trouble, but Please! do not disturb them. If disturbed they will start flying around and causing lots of trouble. Anyone caught disturbing the ducks will pay a severe penalty.
Several days go by and although doing his best, one of the pirates steps on a duck and causes a great disturbance. St. Peter shows up with a horribly ugly, fat woman and handcuffs her to his wrist. "This is your new partner and will stay with you forever."
The next day the second Pirate steps on a duck and the ducks go crazy once again. This time St. Peter arrives with an even more ugly woman and handcuffs her to his wrist.
A week goes by and the third pirate has been very careful not to harm the ducks. St. Peter shows up with a very beautiful, 5'-10" blonde with a perfect body. He handcuffs her to the pirates wrist and proclaims: "This is your partner forever" and leaves.
The pirate says, "What did I do to deserve this wonderful gift?" The blonde says " I don't know, all I did was step on a duck!".
A Bit Of Wisdom: Everything I need to know about boat building I learned from Noah and his Ark:
One: Don’t miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Years ago, in Reader's Digest was an article about the old diesel submarines. The story goes the boat was headed out to sea from Pearl Harbor, when the Captain yells to the green seaman on the bow to "house the anchor". The seaman understood the captain was saying "How is the anchor?" So the seaman responded, "The anchor is fine."
After several attempts to get the seaman to understand the frustrated Captain said, "Oh hell let it go!" At which time the seaman knocks the chock out of the anchor chain. The anchor and 600 fathoms of chain roars out of the boat and when it reaches the end, takes out the bulkhead.
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a fishing trip. They had gone night fishing and were lying on the deck, lines in the water looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini top!"
I'm not saying that Paul and John failed to properly clean up after there regular boating trips but the local restaurant that they frequented, started getting reservations requesting the "No Fishing" section!
The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini to the deep.
More than a little embarrased she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.
Upon entering the parking lot a little boy who was following his mother to the beach asked, "Are you carrying puppies in there?", pointing to her arms.
Not wanting to explain what had really happened the woman replied, " Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.
Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.
Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.
Bare Boat - Clothing Optional.
Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front), `following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).
Berth - a little addition to the crew.
Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills
Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe.
Boom - Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat. For slow crew, it's called `boom, boom.'
Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.
Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.
Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.
Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.
Companionway - a double berth.
Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.
Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.
Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.
Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desire destination, or towards a hazard
Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.
Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300.
Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders.
Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell.
Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later.
Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.
First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal
Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey.
Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner.
Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.
Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work.
Head up - Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offense
Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho.
Jack Lines - `Hey baby, want to go sailing?'
Jibe - either you like it or you don’t and it gets you.
Keel - term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper.
Ketch - A sailboat with good wine in the cabin
Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.
Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.
Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.
Mizzen - an object you can’t find.
Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.
Noserly - What to call the wind direction when it comes from where you're going
Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.
Rhumb Line - two or more crew members waiting for a drink.
Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
Schooner - A sailboat with a fully stocked liquor cabinet in the cabin
Sheet - cool, damp, salty night covering.
Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.
Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)
Swell - a wave that’s just great.
Square Rigger - a rigger over 30.
Sloop - A sailboat with beer and/or wine in the cabin.
Tack – A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.
Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin
Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?" "We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "And the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. Said the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."
A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."
That sounded great to the young women and took up living secretly in a room on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
AN ADMIRALTY REGULATION
'It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads be stored upside down; that is, with the top at the bottom and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the bottom and which is the top, it will be seen to that the bottom of each warhead immediately be labelled with the word top'.
The invasion was lasting longer then expected, and the marines needed some plywood to weatherproof their headquarters. A sergent and three good men were sent out with a 6 x 6 truck to steal the plywood from the nearby army base. All was going well, they had found some plywood and loaded it on their truck, when two MPs drove up in a jeep, demanding to know what was going on.
This was clearly one of those crucial moments when the success of the mission was at stake. It was up to the sergant to apply all his long experience of military matters. "Oh, he said", thinking quickly, "We were looking for somewhere to dump this scrap plywood."
"Well, you're not dumping it here," the MP replied, "Take your truck and your plywood and get off this base."